Take a Step of Faith

Tumblr ... we need to break up.

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 17:22:31 -0400

But really … Don’t fret because, well, I’ll be back. But for now … we need space. A LOT of space. So space it is.

Sincerely,

Like a deer panting for water.

Sun, 26 Sep 2010 23:19:22 -0400

I needed God today. Desperately. Not in the my heart was breaking, I’ve been there a lot lately too, but I was just all wrong. I didn’t necessarily want God - all the time - but I NEEDED him.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
       so my soul pants for you, O God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
       When can I go and meet with God?

³ My tears have been my food
       day and night,
       while men say to me all day long,
       “Where is your God?”

⁴ These things I remember
       as I pour out my soul:
       how I used to go with the multitude,
       leading the procession to the house of God,
       with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
       among the festive throng.

⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and ⁶ my God.
       My soul is downcast within me;
       therefore I will remember you
       from the land of the Jordan,
       the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

⁷ Deep calls to deep
       in the roar of your waterfalls;
       all your waves and breakers
       have swept over me.

⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
       at night his song is with me—
       a prayer to the God of my life.

- Psalm 42:1-8

This summer, we talked about this passage in my small group. Here, the deer is dying, withering without the physical water. Like that deer, my heart and soul are withering without Jesus. He has been my comfort, but today… it was a rough day. I didn’t want him to comfort. I was at church of all places. Where I should have drawn close to Him. But I didn’t. I couldn’t even sing. I was there talking about obeying parents and how to live that out as a college student and how this can apply to my life in the future and all I wanted to do was get out. I was dying on the inside. The truth is, I am dying. Every moment, physically, I’m getting closer to my death. Morbid, yes, but true none the less. But spiritually today I was dying too. Because I was hurt and frustrated and bitter and confused. I was pushing God away and putting on a good face and trying to keep on going.

But I needed Him. I still need him. I will need him tomorrow and the next day and the next day. I guess in a way I’m rebelling. But on the other hand, I am surrounded by people who are NOT letting me push God away. And I’m thankful. That passage came to mind tonight.

After I left church I did my usual Sunday trek to Borders with every intention of studying for History. Instead I listened to a David Platt sermon. Studied for dship. Felt like a hypocrite. I sat there thinking, I have asked God to mold me and put me through hard things and then it happens and I fall apart and fail. Daily. At every moment. AS I WILL - on my own. BUT when God calls me to live a radical life, he’s going with me. He has to go with me because I can’t do that on my own. But long story short I was feeling beat.

BUT God. Is. Faithful. I prayed for joy. I was miserable. I was really really broken. And felt like the deer. And God had me teach at dship. And moved in my heart. And then had me go fellowship with my CG. Who know that I’m fighting a battle, but don’t know what. But that doesn’t matter. He brought about a great night of me not thinking about anything. And opened doors of conversations that I NEEDED to have. And they happened. And God spoke. And God is still speaking.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Actually, I can see the light at the exact spot that I’m in the tunnel. God. Is. Faithful. Even when I didn’t always want .. he gave because I needed.

In life you never stop learning

Sun, 26 Sep 2010 15:24:20 -0400

Hard conversations happen. I don’t like those conversations. I don’t like knowing that something I’m going to say is going to crush someone else. I don’t like having to say those things, but in the end, I am called to do that whether I like it or not.

Life DOES NOT have a pause button. Yes I really wish it did, especially right now. I just want to say pause let me deal with this and then I can deal with that. But that’s not realistic. It doesn’t happen like that. Life keeps going and things keep happening. Hearts keep breaking. God keeps healing.

I hate that I’m not moving through this with grace and peace. I hate that I don’t know how to respond and what to do. I hate that I am this helpless. I hate that I have cried so many times in the past couple days.

But crying’s not bad. Letting people help is okay. Again, I don’t have to be the strong one all the time. Jesus is my strength. Now I just have to hold on to Him tighter than anything else. And He will put people in my life right when I need them for how I need them. He will use people to encourage, listen, talk, push, guide, whatever it takes. And that’s okay.

This is life.

Lord bring the joy back. I want to surrender all of these things, but I’m not even sure if I know how to surrender all of it. Lord. You’ve got to help me. I’m a mess. You are God. I praise you when it’s good, and I’m going to praise you when it’s bad too. Teach me what you want me to learn. You’re taking me through the fire to make me into exactly who you want me to be with the experiences you want me to have. Fire hurts. It’s not fun. Help me to remember that. Help me to keep looking at your face. Yes, you’ve surrounded me with people. But Lord help me to not run to them first because I can audibly hear the words coming out of their mouths. Help me to not run straight to them because I just need someone to be with me. Because right now I just hate being alone. But Lord be more real right now than ever before. I need you. Amen

Lessons

Sat, 25 Sep 2010 18:09:08 -0400

1. Rest. Peace. Walk.

2. I am loved.

3. God has ordained ALL of this. I know that. But SEEING how it is all working … I’m thankful for that too.

4. Faith. Just have faith. It’s so easy to have when I’m believing in something I want to happen. It’s so hard to have when something I don’t want or understand is happening but it’s in those times, that it’s strengthened the most.

5. This is life. This is what it’s all about. Take it one day at a time. Smile. Laugh. Cry. Live. In the end, I know that I’m a child of God. And that is a great great thing.

God is ...

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 10:36:32 -0400

I woke up this morning and the first thought I had - “I don’t have to be strong, because HE is my strength.”

“The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.” - Exodus 15:2

Next thought “I don’t have to know the answers because HE is all knowing.”

“Who has understood the mind of the Lord, or instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding? … The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.” Isaiah 40: 13-14, 28

I don’t have to find comfort, because HE is my comfort, and HE is here.

“May your unfailing love be my comfort.” Psalm 119:76

I don’t have to be self sustaining, because HE is my sustainer.

“Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.” - Psalm 54:4

I don’t see how the big picture is going to work out, but He’s already got that covered.

For I know the plans I have for you Katie. Plans to prosper you not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” - Jeremiah 29:11

I don’t know the next step I’m going to take, but that’s why it’s called faith.

“In all your ways acknowledge HIM, and He will direct your paths.” - Proverbs 3:6

I don’t have to do it on my own.

“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” - Matthew 11:28

Psalm 16:8-11

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 17:40:49 -0400

Hey Katie,

You have set me, the Lord, before you. Because I am at your right hand, you will not be shaken. Because of that, let your heart be glad and your tongue rejoice, and your body rest secure. I will not abandon you to the grave and will not let you, my faithful one, see decay. I have made known to you the path of LIFE. I will fill you with JOY in my presence!

I love you.

God

Oh how I needed those words from the Lord today.

Lord, thank you. Thank you for reminding me of that. Lord forgive me for not putting you in the place you need to be - as my provider, protector, sustainer, and comforter. That’s your job. Not the money in my checking account, not in my relationships with other people, not in the clothes on my back or the car that I drive. YOU. And only you. YOU are the one and only LIFE. Without you, I am meaningless. Thank you for counting me as worthy to live a life for you, and help me to keep my priorities in check - with my eyes staying continually focused on You above all else. Amen

If I didn't love you so much, we'd have issues - Really.

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 17:43:58 -0400

Apparently my phrase of the day is ‘i love … ’ fill in the blank with things I love. I had lunch with some of my CAK girls today - hysterical as always. They are such a blessing to me and don’t have any idea. But I tweeted. Then left my phone unattended - I know what was I thinking? Obviously, I wasn’t. I return to giggles - never a good sign. “What did you do?” I ask - expecting text messages to random people, or changing their contacts in my phone to crazy things … you know middle school girl stuff. No they tweeted.

See these girls know that they are tweeted about on occasion - usually when they say something completely off the wall and I can’t see straight bc I’m crying from laughing so hard. But today, they took the liberty. First saying how much I love 2 of them in particular - then, because someone was left out, she tweeted herself as well. Well I thought okay it could be worse. Again thoughts flashing through my head of calling, texting, changing names etc… and I go visit some of the girls at the other table. Oh how I wish I had pockets … I return to my seat to more giggles. “Where is my phone?” I look and everyone stares at me. Great. I look at faces again … and two are awfully close together. “Are you TALKING on my phone. DURING LUNCH!? You’re going to get my phone taken up!” More giggles erupt. Great. How do I go about getting my phone without it being taken up? Put on my best I love you but I’m going to kill you look and voice and say hand it over. When that fails after the first attempted call, I say “Okay but really - phone. Now.” More giggles. And eventually, I get the phone back.

I say all this to say, I tell those girls all the time, and Emma - she’s in the same category - “If I didn’t love you so much, we’d have problems.” It’s a very true statement. I do love them all in their own way. I could have gotten flustered to the point of anger. I could have called them immature. I could have handled the situation a lot of different ways. I can’t say that I handled it the best way, I could have done things differently. You live and you learn. And next time my phone stays in my car. End of story.

But since the phrase ‘i love … ’ has appeared so many times today, it got me thinking. What do I love? What do I say I love that I ‘like’? Why on earth do I say that I ‘love’ so many things. I really wish we had 4 different words for love like the Greeks. They knew what was up.

But since we don’t, and that phrase is used to cover a wide array of emotion … here’s some of the things I ‘like’

The smell of rain and fresh cut grass.
The way sunshine makes my skin tingle, especially on a fall afternoon.
Hanging out with my brother - be it eating ice cream or helping him figure out which sentences are compound or compound complex.
Being involved in student ministry. There is NEVER a dull moment.
Sitting at Moe’s having conversations with dear friends.
Sitting anywhere having conversations with dear friends.
Reading.
Being with Jesus. Actually I LOVE being with Jesus.
Hearing other’s tell about what the Lord is doing in their lives.
Having family dinner.
Learning more about Jesus.
Laughing. And smiling.
A hammock or a porch swing.
Cooking. When I have time.
Having ‘TIME’ - it’s a rarity, but it’s always fun to ‘make’ time …
Being spontaneous.
Chocolate Raspberry truffle ice cream from Tic-Toc - or Brewster’s because TT is in Loudon …
Cleaning - when it’s for someone else. I have to get in the mood to clean my own house.
My small groups. Oh what would I do without community?
Looking at the stars.
Looking at the stars on my ceiling - I know I know … confession.

This list really could go on and on .. and on. But unfortunately I have to drive back down to campus.

Tonight

Sat, 18 Sep 2010 01:01:25 -0400

I started tonight off with a father daughter dinner date. It was so great. I am so proud of my dad. Is that weird to say? Not in a self righteous way, but … I’ve seen my dad change over the past couple months and years even. We were at dinner and we just started talking about missions and a LCU class my dad is in this fall. My parents know missions is my heart. They don’t always understand. Tonight, I brought up this summer. I don’t know what my summer looks like. Don’t have a clue. Got a couple ideas. I know what I want it to look like. I know that my heart longs to be giving of myself. Teaching kids, loving on orphans, feeding people, giving my time, money, and energy. That’s what I long to do here and there. But I shared that with my dad tonight. And he got it. He REALLY got it.

That may not sound like much, but God is so faithful. I posted something about a week ago about family dinner. It’s a rarity. But it happened and we survived. And then tonight. You know when you see the evidence of God doing something how it changes your outlook? Whether it’s the way people respond to a natural disaster or how a prayer is answered? But you know that it is God moving and working? That’s my family right now. One piece at a time. Me sharing with my dad what God is doing in my life here and now and what I long to do in the future. My dad sharing a little with me about things God is doing in his life. The fact that our entire conversation was God focused. This happens so much more with my friends than it does with my family. Not beating on my family, but it’s just the way it is. But it’s just encouraging to me, in not understanding what God is doing, but seeing that He is moving.

After that, it was straight to church for the Middle School Ministry Ignition. Here are some pictures to give you a glimpse …

We did a scavenger hunt around church. One challenge was to play and take a picture. Check.

And then there was the whole take a picture in front of the church sign. There were 57 of these lovely 8th graders.

And then the night ended with this …

Some days, I don’t understand my life at all. Actually this is most days. And then other days, I see God’s hand and hear his voice so audibly its crazy. Tonight was the latter. This is why I’m here. To make a fool of myself. To stand on tables and yell at the top of my lungs to give instructions and be seen above the masses. To paint my face like a clown. Will I remember tonight? Most definitely. Not because of all the fun, although that’s a major part, but because it’s one of those times that God has said, Katie I have you here doing what you’re doing for this time FOR A REASON. Yep. This is my life. And I’m perfectly okay and thrilled about that.

What I've been missing

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 23:56:09 -0400

When I was driving home a minute ago I told myself I wasn’t going to blog tonight. I have so many other things to do - like type up my reflection and email it to my teacher before class tomorrow - but well, I just can’t help it.

Today wasn’t at all what I expected. It was both better in some ways, and worse in others. Wednesdays are usually my busiest not school days. But today was super busy. It was full of encounters with different people. Conversations I didn’t think would happen, and emotion I didn’t expect to feel. It was full of longing for things gone, and excitement for what’s to come. It was full of catching up and sharing life with people that it has been way to long since I’ve seen.

I drive a lot. Mostly on the interstate. Which means lots of car time to think, which isn’t a bad thing. Tonight I was on my way to eat dinner with one of my GREAT Hendersonville friends who I have missed oh so much. But I had also just been hanging out with some other friends, who are actually, family. Not like family. They are family. But I realized that I am real with them. When I want to be. When I don’t want to be. I realized they KNOW me. They don’t just know what I want them to see, they know the hurts I try to hide, the disappointments I pretend don’t bother me, they differentiate between the fake and sincere smiles, they read the look in my eyes when my mouth says something different. They tell me that I don’t have to be strong. They love me when I’m unlovable. They care when I’m hurtful. They reach out when I say I want to be left alone but are secretly longing for someone to say no REALLY. They pray for me. They encourage me. They protect me (as much as they can, since we all know I do not take advice well). They listen when my heart overflows with both what God is doing, and what I don’t understand. They give hugs when I need them. They’re unafraid to call me on my junk. They hold me accountable. They say I told you so, without using words.

I was mid conversation and teared up. To so many people, those tears don’t exist. The hurt doesn’t exist. The pain and frustration of not understanding doesn’t exist. The betrayal I feel every single day, doesn’t exist. The daily struggle of flesh against the Holy Spirit doesn’t exist. But to a select few, it’s there. The walls don’t exist, not because I don’t want them to, but because these people know how to get around all those walls.

And leaving that place of being completely honest and open and going back into the real world, I realized how blessed and thankful I was. Because I have those people. Because God placed them in my life and that through all the odds, things have gotten better and not worse. It was INCREDIBLY wonderful for me to be with some of them tonight. We all need those times.

And then I arrived at Jason’s Deli. If there is one thing I have definitely learned from the summer, it’s nothing just happens out of chance. God uses EVERYTHING and builds upon it whether we mess up royally, and he turns it into something great or it’s something he allowed into our lives or something he opens our eyes to see at that exact moment. Eating and catching up, I was reminded of this summer. What my thoughts were going into summer, and coming out. All of the ‘adventures’ that were had. All of the memories that were made. All of the friendships formed.

And then going to The Walk and hanging out with all of my dear friends from Long Hollow. It was really like a huge reunion. I was reminded that God is faithful. That God is sovereign. And like Tim talked about tonight, when our priorities are in the right place, the rest falls into place. I’m back at the square one, or maybe moved on to square two, but that’s okay. Sometimes we have to shut the door and keep looking forward. And sometimes we finally see what we’ve been missing the whole time.

Because I'm called to flee

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 15:11:54 -0400

Hmm.

Flee Temptation. I hear or read that and my mind always things physical temptations. But in my life there are SO many other temptations. The temptation to be bitter, jealous, angry, deceitful. The temptations to be lazy instead of working as if working to the Lord.

If something is causing me to stumble, I am called to flee it. Not ignore it.

I have had so many conversations on this topic the past couple days and the things that I NEED to do in my life. You know what stops me? Fear and pride. Fear of what others will say. Fear of them thinking I’m crazy. Pride because I want to overcome these things on my own.

But I can’t. To say that the Lord has swung the door open on my heart is an understatement. To say that I’m not fighting it is also an understatement. It’s a constant battle for MORE of Him and LESS of me.

Borders.

Sun, 12 Sep 2010 15:46:53 -0400

Push deeper. Don’t be complacent. Be consumed. Dig. Not just what seems visible, what’s REALLY underneath. What is trying to be shown to me. What am I seeing. Seek. Earnestly. Don’t stop. Pray. Plead. Strive. GO. DO. SHOW. BE. Disciple. Be discipled. Meditate.

That’s what’s playing in my head. I’m sitting trying to want to write a paper. But I have no drive. In the grand scheme of things, a paper or a life. But is this the means God is using to get me from here. HERE. to THERE.

I ask that you pray for me. And know that I’m praying for YOU.

Hey God. Thank you.:) Amen

Sun, 12 Sep 2010 15:37:06 -0400

Hey God. Thank you.:) Amen

AND

Sat, 11 Sep 2010 00:25:57 -0400

I have been completely totally 100 not productive today … as far as my history paper is concerned. I thought okay I’ll get up, go work out, get ready, then go live at Borders. Well .. that sort of happened. I did all of those things .. and a lot more, and not at all on the time schedule that I had intended.

I have been really productive at reading everyone’s blogs. It is so encouraging to read everyone’s God stories. To hear what they are struggling with and me saying hey me too! Or to see what God is doing in their life. Or just being able to see from the outside what God is doing in the lives of HIS children. Today, I found oh so many more blogs to follow. Actually, in my Abnormal Psych class, Delaney and I sit next to each other. She aids me in my blogging addiction, because she finds all sorts of good ones .. and then I stalk hers to get them. (Don’t worry, she knows this)

I feel like a major creeper for admitting that. But it’s the same as following people, but they are just on different sites, and I can’t follow everyone!

Not only have I been blog stalking, I have definitely been heart stalking. My heart that is. Trying to figure out what’s going on in my heart. Trying to remember that my heart is deceitful above all things. Trying to discern the good from the bad. Trying to figure it all out. And realizing that I’m, again, not supposed to figure it ALL out. But in that still being responsible for my own heart and it’s desires. It’s a tricky line to walk my friends.

The fam went to dinner tonight. All of us. In ONE car. This is the second time this week that we have had family dinner. I’m really not sure what is going on. I love my family. They are my family. But we are weird and dysfunctional. In fact, I drove to dinner tonight. Dylan rode shotgun. Mom and dad were in the back, and honestly, it was like when I drive the kids I babysit around and they think because it’s me and not their parents they can get away with .. everything. Yeah no. I’ll stop there, but say it was an experience. But I also realized today that this is an answer to prayer. A prayer that I’ve been praying for YEARS. I get tired of it. I get frustrated. I get beat down. I think it’s never going to change. I give. up. hope. But God is still God. He is able to do incredible things. As He showed me with my family tonight. No, it wasn’t all happy go lucky, but honestly, what is? But it was real. It was me being real with them. Them being real with me. And everyone being real.

I’m really good at running from things. My family is probably the best example. I’m never ever home. I say it’s because of work, but really I am that busy so that I’m never home because I don’t want to be. CONFESSION. But the past month, I’ve been home a lot. Especially compared to the summer, but other than that compared to previous semesters. I only have class a couple days a week. My nights are generally free. My weekends aren’t packed. I don’t babysit my life away. People don’t believe me when I tell them this, but my family will agree. But tonight at dinner, I realized that I’ve stopped running. Accidentally. I need my family. My family needs me. We all go together. And if we aren’t all working together it’s not going to happen. I can’t blame problems on my mom or my dad. I’m guilty too. But I can also help. I’ve prayed about certain things for so long. There are some things that only the Lord can bring peace and order too still, but me being home is good. Me not running is good. Me investing in my family is great.

So there’s tonight’s late night musings.

I may or may not have just looked at ticket prices ...

Fri, 10 Sep 2010 22:02:05 -0400

… because that would be crazy right?

I think that DCB says it best,

I think I’m on the brink of something large
Maybe like the breaking of the dawn
Maybe like a match being lit
Or the sinking of a ship, letting go gives a better grip

I’m finding everything I’ll ever need
By giving up gaining everything
Falling for You for eternity
Right here at Your feet
Where I wanna be
I am Yours

Hey Peter ... I think we would have been best friends.

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 23:06:39 -0400

I’ve been really excited all day to share what’s on my heart. Only to realize I’m not going to.

I will tell you that the past 24 hours have been hilariously .. God. I say hilariously because of all that has happened. Nothing was a huge monumental decision. In fact, it was a lot of little decisions that I put little thought into because I didn’t think they would be important, they were menial, thoughtless decisions. But they combined to form … a gold nugget.

Abby’s post from today was talking about Peter walking on water, I’m about to talk about it too. Peter is my favorite person in the Bible who isn’t Jesus. I see so much of myself in him. He tried so hard. He cut off a soldier’s ear when they were coming to arrest Jesus. He told Jesus to his face that he wouldn’t deny him, and Jesus looked at him and said yes you will. You’ll do it 3 times before the rooster crows. (Mark 14)

A couple chapters earlier in Matthew 14, is where my new favorite story of the moment is. Verses 29-31 say

He [Jesus] said, “COME.” So peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink he cried out. “Lord, save me.” But Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

I can’t help wonder what went through Peter’s mind at that moment. “Okay, well Jesus told me to get out of the boat. At least I think it’s Jesus. He said he was Jesus. Ghosts don’t exist .. right? But if I got out of the boat, I’d be walking on water. It’s not possible to walk on water. I’d sink. But it’s Jesus .. it is Jesus right? Can I walk on water? If Jesus tells me to, then I can. Is it Him … it IS him!” - Katie paraphrase, because that’s what would have gone through my mind … Before Peter could get out of the boat he had to decide that he WANTED to get out of the boat. It required faith that it was in fact Jesus, and that He would protect Peter. It was a mind battle. Against all laws of nature and ‘common sense’ he got out of the boat and walked toward Jesus.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m walking toward something I’m looking at it. If, or inevitably, when I look away, I veer one way or trip or run into something. I can’t keep going the same direction exactly. But when I’m looking ahead at what I’m walking towards, things turn out a lot better. Peter was walking toward Jesus. In spite of what the world said was possible, he was in fact doing the IMPOSSIBLE. Against ‘odds’, it was happening.

Then we get to verse 30. Good ‘ol Peter, like me, got distracted. It says he saw the wind. I think he realized that he was in the middle of a lake. Not surrounded by a wooden thing with a mast that was more protection from the wind than was him by himself in the middle of the lake. When he saw the wind, he no longer saw Jesus. Maybe far off, but his immediate attention was on the fact that there was wind blowing him.

This part is life. My life. I step out in faith. I say okay God, I’m doing this because I kNOW you are telling me to do this. I know this is where you are leading me and I know that you are here with me guiding me telling me what and where to go. And then the whispers of the world become shouts in my ears. Friends tell me I’ve lost my mind. People don’t understand. Even my parents say okay Katie that’s great, but not for you. Or it’s something I see as impossible. I think how on earth did I end up out here? In the middle of my ‘lake’? I see all the things that are fighting against me telling me I’ll never make it. I know that “with God, all things are possible.” I got my gold star for memorizing it in M&M’s. But somewhere deep down, I don’t believe that truly, with God all things are possible. I begin to doubt and get anxious and confused and scared. And just like Peter, I start to sink. Sometimes it’s a slow fall, I don’t realize I’m sinking - the water is slowly creeping up my ankles to my calves to my knees - and then I realize I’m in trouble. Sometimes it’s a fast fall. I’m walking. I look to the right. And I get knocked down by a wave and I’m flailing just trying to keep my head above water. Instead of focusing on Jesus who has gotten me this far out of the boat without anything bad happening to me, I for some reason, think no wait I can’t do this anymore. (Duh self, I CAN’T!) I forget that in verse 29, Jesus says COME.

When Peter started to sink he called out to Jesus, “Lord save me.” This again plays through my mind. I imagine him having a look of panic in his eyes when he realizes he’s falling. Realizing he’s messed up, but also realizing that only Jesus can save Him. Right now, this is REALLY me. Right before the Lord laid this story on my heart this morning this is what I wrote,

I feel like it’s all hanging by a thread … Everything is slipping, fading, changing … Lord I want to fall on my face before you right now in the middle of this class. I’m floundering …

I uttered the prayer, and Jesus reached out and caught me (verse 31). The verse actually says he IMMEDIATELY saved Peter. I called out to Jesus realizing that I’m sinking … fast. I need Him to save me, because in the middle of this lake where He has called me to come, only HE can save me.

With Peter safe in the arms of Christ, Jesus looks at him and says, “You of little faith. What did you doubt?” Before today, I’ve always read this as a harsh chastisement. But today I saw it how a parent would look at a child when they have just disobeyed, almost gotten hurt, and the parent is just so glad the child is okay that they aren’t mad, just lovingly wanting to say what were you thinking?

Why did I start to sink? because I stopped having faith. I, even if for a brief, or long moment, looked away from Jesus and saw what was raging around me in the world. I saw the faces of the people telling me not to do something, I heard the voices saying I don’t understand you why would you do that. I listened to Satan whispering in my ears, but Katie, this is better. This fruit over here, YUM, this is what you REALLY want. So I looked. I turned my head, ever so slightly at first and began to sink.

I ask myself the question, why do I doubt? Still. Today. Why? I have a million and 1 reasons to stay focused completely on Jesus. He is the creator, sustainer, giver of mercy and grace, he took my wrath. So why? It doesn’t make sense that after all of that, after knowing how much he LOVES me that I would look away even for a second. But I did and do … because I’m prideful. I have a wicked sin nature that rules my heart. I get jealous. I covet. I put my emotions in Jesus’ place, and like Corey said Sunday, when that happens, Jesus doesn’t rule, and my life turns into a roller coaster.

I will never be able to read this story and not remember this day. Not remember the way that I REALIZED that Jesus had caught me from drowning due to my own … stupidity. He looked at me and said, “child why did you doubt?” But didn’t throw me back in the lake. The rest of the story ends with Jesus and Peter making it back to the boat, and at that moment, the wind ceases. Jesus took me back to the boat. He carried me so that I didn’t start to sink again. Actually, He’s currently carrying me. I haven’t made it back into the boat. The storm hasn’t stopped raging, and I still have a nagging, but I can rest in the arms of my Savior. He’ll get me to the boat, and when I’m there, He’ll still be with me. And my storm too shall cease.

Dear Lord, … I. Can. Not. Do. This. … On. My. Own. … Amen

Wed, 08 Sep 2010 19:05:49 -0400

Dear Lord, … I. Can. Not. Do. This. … On. My. Own. … Amen

Run.

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 22:04:19 -0400

I started running again yesterday. It really was on a whim. I used to HATE running. In gym or wellness every year when we had to run the mile, it was the worst day EVER. Before this summer, I can honestly say the last time I had run … more than maybe a couple hundred yards consistently … was running the mile sophomore year … OF HIGH SCHOOL. Yeah I know .. pathetic. But truth.

This past April, Kelsey (high school intern summer after my senior year who is STILL one of my favorite people) ran the Nashville Country Music half marathon. So of course a couple of us went to visit. Nashville is so much closer than Kansas. But I was inspired. I thought to myself, “I can run. I could do this.” So I made a goal. I wanted to start running and eventually work my way up to running a half marathon.

I left for Hendersonville about a month later, and that was still on my heart and mind. In fact, one of the first conversations I had with Jennifer, the mom of the family I was staying with, was me sharing this goal with her. Unbeknownst to me, she used to run, her husband, Mr. Landon, still runs, and ran the same half marathon a month earlier. So we decided that at the end of the summer, we were going to run in the Goodlettsville 4 mile run. Not going to lie, I was skeptical, but having someone else getting up at 6 something in the morning to run with me, made it a whole lot better. So training began. And it went really well. We started with run/walking for 45 minutes to do however much we could. Then we started still running for 45 minutes but trying to run more and seeing how many times we could run the driveway - the driveway was 4/5 of a mile with a hill at the beginning and at the end.

The first day was definitely the hardest. It was humid, even though it was so early. It was hot. I was gross and smelly. I was not so sure how this was going to work out, but at the same time, I was excited about having something to work towards the entire summer. Well, then along came camp. 11 days of insaneness. God did some incredible things, deeper relationships were formed, and spiritually it was both filling and exhausting. And then I got sick about half way through. Bless my high schoolers hearts, because if they could hear me, it was raspy, and then there were the times when I only got through small group by saying Lord … I physically can’t do this I need YOU. You better believe he came through. I didn’t know I felt this wretched way I was feeling was because I got mono (what a great surprise to find out .. a MONTH later … however it did make me feel better because I KNEW there was something so not okay. But me being sick made me completely dependent on Christ - so there is a HUGE positive in it.)

Anyways, got home the docs thought I had strep, bronchitis, and a sinus infection. What an awesome combo if I do say so myself. I thought I was exhausted because I had been at HC for 11 days … (random side note, two of my girls came in last weekend and they still crack jokes about how I was never awake on trips or anything - we were on trips pretty much the entire end of june and all of july .. in fact derian’s pictures of me, are of me sleeping. Honest.) But because I had all these other medical things going on and slept so much, running fell to the wayside. The date of the Goodlettsville run came … and went. Without any of us running in it. Which was kind of sad.

But all that to say, I haven’t run since the middle of June. Until yesterday. I was skeptical. I was so ready to start running again because although I used to hate it, something happened … and now I love it. I look forward to it. However, yesterday, I was nervous. I almost chickened out because I knew I hadn’t run in a couple months and I would be out of shape .. and on top of that I’m still recovering from the mono monster … enough ‘valid’ reasons for me not to, but at the end of the day, I was also craving it. I didn’t want to not be able to do as well as I had before, because that was almost a failure in my eyes, but I was so ready to just go. So I did. I got on the treadmill and ran. I had a goal for myself. Just run half a mile. Then it was okay I’m almost there, I can keep going .. go 3/4 of a mile. Then it was okay you’ve run this much just run the whole mile. Another note, I remember the conversation I had when I ran a mile straight after training this summer. I was ecstatic! I remember saying I know this is nothing to you BUT this is HUGE for me. I was so proud of myself! Well then yesterday when I got on and ran a mile straight through - I was totally proud again.

Tonight I debated to run or not to run. Running won out. Partly because it was a great day. Partly because I wanted to run outside. Partly because I just wanted the thrill … regardless I did it. Again I had goals. I don’t know what a mile is in my neighborhood, but I know what 7/10 of a mile is, so I guesstimated. I was going to run to Kingston Pike. In my mind that was almost a mile. Well I got there and it was you can run a little more. Turn around and run to the light post. Run to the entrance of Derby Chase. Run to the sign that says Glen Abbey. Run to the next stop sign. I kept pushing myself forward. I could have stopped. I could have said, no I’m good or I’m just coming off of this illness (its was great as a crutch when I didnt’ want to do something .. I know so bad, but it’s the truth…) But I didn’t. I made up my mind that this was what I was going to do so I did it.

Yesterday I was talking about strength. The Lord reminded me that HIS strength is inside of me constantly, and all I need to do is call on it. Tonight it was perseverance. Just a little further. Just a little bit more. My legs were getting shaky, my steps were sounding less crisp, I was getting worn out - and I didn’t bring my inhaler - drain. But I said to myself, just a little bit more.

I’m not sure why I wrote all of this out, maybe because I just wanted to share my story. Maybe just because I was proud of myself. Maybe because the Lord is teaching me things in my ‘every day’ (pun intended because running isn’t yet an every day occurrence .. 2 days doesn’t count.) life that I didn’t know could be lessons. Maybe it’s all those things together. Or maybe it’s all of those things and more … I don’t know.

Tonight I walked out my front door and got to the road when I realized I didn’t have my ipod. To this point, I’d always run with some sort of noise - be it my ipod (the preferred method) or the tv at the FLC … always something. But not tonight. As I was finishing up, I just looked up at the stars. They were beautiful. It was just me, the bugs, and Jesus. Ever since I was little I have LOVED being outside at dusk and night time - at my house - not just hanging out in the woods or something .. that’s kind of creepy - but there’s just somehting about when the stars come out, the bugs are buzzing? chirping? making noise .. whatever bugs do, and sometimes there’s a breeze - it’s greatness to me, but it’s my favorite thing. I haven’t done it a lot lately, but looking at the stars and just having ‘silence’ without the noise of life - no cell phone ringing, no tv blaring, no music playing, just the thump thump thump of my shoes and the nature noises … it really was me and God. And it was great.

I’ll keep you posted on how the running goes, in case you were wondering, I still have my goal of working my way up to a half marathon .. starting with a 5 k … Turkey Trot anyone? :)

Just a little bit of life ...

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:33:26 -0400

Today … is a GREAT day. So in honor of this, I thought I’d post some things. Enjoy. :)

This is Leah. She will openly tell you that I embarrass her at school when I sing something or act too goofy. She will NOT tell you that she likes to do crazy things too …

This is K Love. Here was one of the rare moments when I was smiling at Horn’s Creek this summer. Probably becasue I wasn’t feeling like death in this exact moment. And I was wearing my Red Bar t-shirt. That always makes things better.

This was like seeing an oasis in the middle of the desert when you are about to pass out. Not. Kidding.

And then there’s the beach. I REALLY want to go to the beach. Like right now. I’m not kidding. I would pack up and leave at this moment if someone called and said hey lets go to the beach. Done.

And one more just because. It, apparently, is tradition to sing Happy Birthday to me at restaurants when it was NOT my birthday (Apparently, the fact that I get embarrassed makes it all the more entertaining) … but still .. great times.

Life isn’t always good, but as a Christian, it’s always great. I have more than I need. More than I deserve. And still God keeps blessing me. I think Lord I REALLY don’t deserve this one, and then the verse about ask and you will receive comes to mind and I think, but I didn’t ASK for this. You GAVE it to me. And I think about God as my Father, and how He enjoys giving to His children. I think about how my earthly parents enjoy giving me things when I’m not expecting them, and honestly don’t deserve them.

I didn’t ask for this great day persay, but I did ask that God would look after and protect me. That He would remind me of Himself today. And that I would be found in love above all things … And this, today, is exactly that.

I just typed Dylan’s poem for him. The funny thing is, it was one of those beginning of the...

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 21:02:16 -0400

I just typed Dylan’s poem for him. The funny thing is, it was one of those beginning of the year get to know you poems, so he had to use metaphors and similies and alliteration and all of those fun grammatical things. This is my favorite line.

I want to be silent like a tree, but I just can’t. I guess being silent isn’t the thing for me.

Maybe this runs in the family sometimes … But then again, I have learned to appreciate silence, and maybe even more than that, the people who I can be silent with …

Take 2

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 16:16:43 -0400

God showed me something great today. I was so in awe of the Father that I got to my car and pulled out my computer and just started typing in a word document. I read it after I got done, and it’s a lot more than jumbled. But it struck me in a way that I want to share it.

My prayers lately have been everywhere from thanking the Lord for unseen blessings, to begging Him to show Himself to me, to strength because I feel like I’m in a washing machine that I can’t get out of, to songs of praise for who He is, even when I am struggling - one of my favorite lines from a song “to him the future’s history” - and the hope I have in WHO God is.

Lately, my struggle has been strength. Strength to do what I know He has called and is calling me to do. Strength in the times when my heart hurts because I can’t imagine what’s next. Strength to just rely on his promises. Strength just to keep going.

I was driving home from campus today and truth of God’s strength being inside me - that the HOLY SPIRIT is living inside me clicked into place in my mind and heart and I had this rush of peace. I wanted Moe’s and since I couldn’t get in touch with Ellyn, I decided to go by myself. (Which is definitely something off of my life to do list - eat at a restaurant by myself. Done.) But, Sunday at The Point, Chad taught on Ephesians 3:14-21. It’s a passage where Paul prays for the church at Ephesus. Sunday, we were challenged to pray that prayer for ourselves as well as for someone else. Then we were challenged to do it everyday this week. My thought was okay I can do that.

Well sitting awkwardly in the back corner of Moe’s (Because I had my back to the tv .. and all the men who were sitting by themselves eating lunch were staring AT the tv … ) I pulled out my Bible and started there. But I stopped when I got to verse 16. It says, “I pray that out of YOUR glorious riches YOU may strengthen me with power through YOUR Spirit in my inner being.” I had read and prayed that Sunday, Monday, and then here it was again. Yes I was purposely reading the same passage of scripture, but to me, that was a common portion of scripture. I had heard it before. It was already underlined and blocked off in my Bible with little notes out beside it. I should have been focusing more on the words I was saying, but I wasn’t. But when I got to that verse it all made sense. The peace that passes understanding that clicked in relation to strength all made sense. I was looking at the words, the MEANING behind the words. What was God trying to teach me? He revealed it to me 30 minutes earlier on the interstate, but it didn’t make sense that it was all connected until that minute. As I continued to pray that prayer, I had a new understanding. I had a renewed spirit. I had a joyful heart. The Lord is my strength. AND He is living inside of me. All I have to do is call upon Him.

That’s my problem. I don’t CALL upon Him. I expect Him to provide. I expect all these things of the Lord. But do I call upon Him KNOWING that HE really can do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine? (vs. 20). I think about my life, and how radically different would it be if I took that truth to heart. I don’t know if it will ever make complete sense, but right now I don’t need to understand. I just need to call upon the strength that He has provided me and is living INSIDE of me.

I hope that struck you like it struck me, but if it didn’t, maybe you already figured it out, and I’m just a little slow.