Take a Step of Faith

Like a deer panting for water.

I needed God today. Desperately. Not in the my heart was breaking, I’ve been there a lot lately too, but I was just all wrong. I didn’t necessarily want God - all the time - but I NEEDED him. 

As the deer pants for streams of water, 
       so my soul pants for you, O God.

 ² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. 
       When can I go and meet with God?

 ³ My tears have been my food 
       day and night, 
       while men say to me all day long, 
       “Where is your God?”

 ⁴ These things I remember 
       as I pour out my soul: 
       how I used to go with the multitude, 
       leading the procession to the house of God, 
       with shouts of joy and thanksgiving 
       among the festive throng.

 ⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul? 
       Why so disturbed within me? 
       Put your hope in God, 
       for I will yet praise him, 
       my Savior and ⁶ my God. 
       My soul is downcast within me; 
       therefore I will remember you 
       from the land of the Jordan, 
       the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

 ⁷ Deep calls to deep 
       in the roar of your waterfalls; 
       all your waves and breakers 
       have swept over me.

 ⁸ By day the LORD directs his love, 
       at night his song is with me— 
       a prayer to the God of my life.

- Psalm 42:1-8

This summer, we talked about this passage in my small group. Here, the deer is dying, withering without the physical water. Like that deer, my heart and soul are withering without Jesus. He has been my comfort, but today… it was a rough day. I didn’t want him to comfort. I was at church of all places. Where I should have drawn close to Him. But I didn’t. I couldn’t even sing. I was there talking about obeying parents and how to live that out as a college student and how this can apply to my life in the future and all I wanted to do was get out. I was dying on the inside. The truth is, I am dying. Every moment, physically, I’m getting closer to my death. Morbid, yes, but true none the less. But spiritually today I was dying too. Because I was hurt and frustrated and bitter and confused. I was pushing God away and putting on a good face and trying to keep on going. 

But I needed Him. I still need him. I will need him tomorrow and the next day and the next day. I guess in a way I’m rebelling. But on the other hand, I am surrounded by people who are NOT letting me push God away. And I’m thankful. That passage came to mind tonight. 

After I left church I did my usual Sunday trek to Borders with every intention of studying for History. Instead I listened to a David Platt sermon. Studied for dship. Felt like a hypocrite. I sat there thinking, I have asked God to mold me and put me through hard things and then it happens and I fall apart and fail. Daily. At every moment. AS I WILL - on my own. BUT when God calls me to live a radical life, he’s going with me. He has to go with me because I can’t do that on my own. But long story short I was feeling beat. 

BUT God. Is. Faithful. I prayed for joy. I was miserable. I was really really broken. And felt like the deer. And God had me teach at dship. And moved in my heart. And then had me go fellowship with my CG. Who know that I’m fighting a battle, but don’t know what. But that doesn’t matter. He brought about a great night of me not thinking about anything. And opened doors of conversations that I NEEDED to have. And they happened. And God spoke. And God is still speaking. 

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Actually, I can see the light at the exact spot that I’m in the tunnel. God. Is. Faithful. Even when I didn’t always want .. he gave because I needed.