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What I’ve been missing
When I was driving home a minute ago I told myself I wasn’t going to blog tonight. I have so many other things to do - like type up my reflection and email it to my teacher before class tomorrow - but well, I just can’t help it.
Today wasn’t at all what I expected. It was both better in some ways, and worse in others. Wednesdays are usually my busiest not school days. But today was super busy. It was full of encounters with different people. Conversations I didn’t think would happen, and emotion I didn’t expect to feel. It was full of longing for things gone, and excitement for what’s to come. It was full of catching up and sharing life with people that it has been way to long since I’ve seen.
I drive a lot. Mostly on the interstate. Which means lots of car time to think, which isn’t a bad thing. Tonight I was on my way to eat dinner with one of my GREAT Hendersonville friends who I have missed oh so much. But I had also just been hanging out with some other friends, who are actually, family. Not like family. They are family. But I realized that I am real with them. When I want to be. When I don’t want to be. I realized they KNOW me. They don’t just know what I want them to see, they know the hurts I try to hide, the disappointments I pretend don’t bother me, they differentiate between the fake and sincere smiles, they read the look in my eyes when my mouth says something different. They tell me that I don’t have to be strong. They love me when I’m unlovable. They care when I’m hurtful. They reach out when I say I want to be left alone but are secretly longing for someone to say no REALLY. They pray for me. They encourage me. They protect me (as much as they can, since we all know I do not take advice well). They listen when my heart overflows with both what God is doing, and what I don’t understand. They give hugs when I need them. They’re unafraid to call me on my junk. They hold me accountable. They say I told you so, without using words.
I was mid conversation and teared up. To so many people, those tears don’t exist. The hurt doesn’t exist. The pain and frustration of not understanding doesn’t exist. The betrayal I feel every single day, doesn’t exist. The daily struggle of flesh against the Holy Spirit doesn’t exist. But to a select few, it’s there. The walls don’t exist, not because I don’t want them to, but because these people know how to get around all those walls.
And leaving that place of being completely honest and open and going back into the real world, I realized how blessed and thankful I was. Because I have those people. Because God placed them in my life and that through all the odds, things have gotten better and not worse. It was INCREDIBLY wonderful for me to be with some of them tonight. We all need those times.
And then I arrived at Jason’s Deli. If there is one thing I have definitely learned from the summer, it’s nothing just happens out of chance. God uses EVERYTHING and builds upon it whether we mess up royally, and he turns it into something great or it’s something he allowed into our lives or something he opens our eyes to see at that exact moment. Eating and catching up, I was reminded of this summer. What my thoughts were going into summer, and coming out. All of the ‘adventures’ that were had. All of the memories that were made. All of the friendships formed.
And then going to The Walk and hanging out with all of my dear friends from Long Hollow. It was really like a huge reunion. I was reminded that God is faithful. That God is sovereign. And like Tim talked about tonight, when our priorities are in the right place, the rest falls into place. I’m back at the square one, or maybe moved on to square two, but that’s okay. Sometimes we have to shut the door and keep looking forward. And sometimes we finally see what we’ve been missing the whole time.
